What Hurts The Most
by Rica666
Summary: A song fic about Harry dealing with the loss, sorrow, regret, and pain of the death of loved ones. This is how he overcame the worst of it when he went to Privte Drive. One-shot


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Rica666:

/waves/ Hello all! I know that I should be working on my other stories but I had this pop in my head, while listening to _What_ _Hurts_ _The_ _Most_. It was just that minute inspiration that I had, ya know? And if I didn't take care of it when I had it I would have lost it or would have hated it after I thought really hard about it.

**Harry:** /grins/ Rica666 does NOT own Harry Potter or the song _What Hurts The Most_. She never will either.

**Rica666:** /sobs/ I know, it's so sad! I will never be the owner of either!

**Harry:** /sighs/ Enjoy!

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_"Now those memories come back to haunt me_

_They haunt me like a curse."-Bruce Springsteen_

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_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry_

Harry lets tears fall from his eyes as he stares blankly at the ceiling in his room at Privet Drive. He isn't afraid to let the tears fall, he doesn't care what the Dursley's would say if they caught him crying. Oh no, that is not a problem. He only has one problem and no one can solve that.

_Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days  
Every now and again I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me_

Harry will pretend that he is fine when everyone else, making them think that he is fine. He's done that all his life, pretend that he is fine with everything, they will leave him alone…that's what he likes, that is what he has always been. He has built a shell and only one truly broke through it, and now **he** is gone

_What hurts the most, was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away_

It hurts; it hurts so badly, to know that **he** isn't coming back. That Harry will never tell **him** anything…never seek **his** guidance again. In retrospect there is so much that Harry would have, no should have told **him**, that he never can now. **He **was right there, so close that Harry could reach out and grab him. How could **he** just walk away like this!?

_Never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what I was tryin to do_

They could have lived together, been happy, been a…dare Harry say…a family. Now he'll never know, never know what a true family is like. Of course there are the Weasley's but he always felt that he was an outsider looking in, that he didn't belong. That isn't to say that Mrs. Weasley or any of the other Weasley's (well except Percy) didn't make him fell like he didn't belong. They never stopped showing him affection and love.

Though, know that Harry thinks about it, he has never really known what love is…at least not until **he** was gone. He didn't understand it, he never was really shown it in his childhood…not that he could remember, anyways. Harry could see that he love **him** until it was too late.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But i'm doin it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and i'm alone  
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret_

Harry sees **him** everywhere he looks, thinks of him every time he does something. It's like Voldemort is torturing him, planting images of **him** everywhere. Really though now that he thinks about it Harry wouldn't put it past the S.O.B.

Merlin how would he face Tonks again, he killed her cousin…or even worse, Remus Lupin, **his** best friend and a fellow Marauder. It's going to been hard to look either of them in the eye, let alone smile and pretend that everything is all right.

What kills Harry the most is the regret. Regret of ever going and causing the lost of a life of a loved one. He is in physical pain whenever he performs daily tasks. How could he bee so stupid?!

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken_

If he could go back in time, and change one thing, he would give his life for **him**. And if, for some strange reason, he couldn't save **him** Harry would tell **him** everything he ignored. All the feelings he had for him. How much he loved **him**, how much he cares about **him**.

_What hurts the most, is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away  
Never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what I was tryin to do_

_What hurts the most, was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away  
And never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what I was tryin to do_

Harry sighs and looks out the window, staring straight at the dog star, Sirius. It flickers in the dark sky and Harry gives a large, watery, grin tear running down his face into his mouth, leaving it tasting salty. He walks to the window, opens it and mutters, to the star, "I hope your happy now Sirius. Your with mum and dad right? Why wouldn't you be happy? Just remember…even if I didn't say it, I do love, okay? I'm…I'm so sorry I got you killed…I didn't mean to."

Harry lets out a dry sob, "Oh and mum, bonk him on the head a couple of time, 'kay? For me?"

Harry then walks to his bed with a small smile and gets comfortable in it. He drifts off into a deep sleep, more then likely to be interrupted by disturbing dreams later on in that night, and relaxes. A deep, smooth voice whispers in the room,

"I love you too, pup, and I don't blame you at all. It isn't your fault."

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**Rica666:** After I went back and read this I had tears in my eyes, it was so sad...for me at least. Oh, and this wasn't suppose to come out slashy but it seems that way doesn't it?

**Harry:** Gah! That's digusting! /dances around screaming ew/

**Rica666:** I hope you like it and feel free to tell me if you find anything wrong.

**Harry:** Review!


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